Joy and Grief During the Holidays
The holiday season is a time associated with family gatherings, joy, and celebration. It is often a time to see and reconnect with friends and family we only see at such times. But this wonderful joy can also cut deeply. For those who have lost or been estranged from family, the holiday season, instead of being filled with joy, becomes a bitter reminder of what was lost. I have a dear friend whose father passed away the week before Thanksgiving this year. In his grief he posted on Facebook, “Are the holidays just canceled now? Are they just over?” For him, and for many like my friend, the holidays become like the scroll given to John in his vision: “It was sweet as honey in my mouth, but when I had eaten it my stomach was made bitter” (Revelation 10:10).
Christians are called to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). This dual command can be especially difficult during the holiday season, when there is much joy, but where there may also be much sorrow hiding under the surface. But Paul does tell us to do both, and not to neglect either. We do not need to cancel our holiday plans and become a “Debby Downer” to adequately commiserate with those who are hurting. Nor should we feel compelled to force ourselves to “be happy” if we find ourselves mired in a season of grief and mourning. But what we can do is recognize that in all times, especially during the holidays, there will be those of us who struggle.
In my recent study of the book of Job, I have tried to take to heart some lessons in how to help those who are grieving. This is by no means going to be a complete or exhaustive list of things we can do for one another, but a few observations for us to consider as we strive to weep with those who weep.
Sit and listen. In Job’s grief, his three friends travel from their homes and sit in silence with Job for seven days (Job 2:11-13). We will often make the observation that this is when the three friends were at their best. Just to spend time with Job in silence. For what can one do or say in the face of a grief we can do nothing to alter or change? In fact, it all starts going downhill the moment the friends start talking and trying to “fix” Job. At one point, Job tells them they should have just stayed quiet. “Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!” (Job 13:5). We need to be careful in what we say. Our attempts to “fix” a situation may only deepen wounds. Some hurts are too deep for words, and silence is the only wisdom we can offer. This is not to say that we should never say anything, but to consider our words and intentions twice (and perhaps a third time) before speaking.
Understand that grief can cause contradictory desires in the one who is suffering. When you look through the various speeches of Job, you’ll find that he often voices desires for contradictory things. He wishes to be left alone in the dark: “Are not my days few? Then cease, and leave me alone, that I may find a little cheer before I go—and I shall not return— to the land of darkness and deep shadow, the land of gloom like thick darkness, like deep shadow without any order, where light is as thick darkness.” (Job 10:20-22). And he also wishes to be known and seen: “…All the days of my service I would wait, till my renewal should come. You would call, and I would answer you; you would long for the work of your hands.” (Job 14:14-15). The desire to be alone, but also not to be alone is common among those who grieve. This can make things difficult in trying to help the one suffering, but we should also be aware that these contradictory feelings and desires naturally come with grief. We should be understanding, and not take such things personally. Speaking of which…
You can comfort without taking it personally. Sometimes those who are grieving will say things that are hard or hurtful or painful in the moment. If we are trying to comfort such a one, we should learn to develop a thicker skin. I am struck by a statement by one of Job’s friends, Zophar, in one of his speeches: “Therefore my thoughts answer me, because of my haste within me. I hear censure that insults me, and out of my understanding a spirit answers me.” (Job 20:2-3). Notice how much “me-me-me” is in that statement. Yet Zophar isn’t the one who lost all his wealth, his children, and his health. A little compassion for those grieving can go a long way. A little understanding and forgiveness, even if someone says something sharp to you in their grief that offends you, will more often lead to healing than holding on to your ego. Peter tells us, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). If we are not the grieving party, let us allow love to cover for whatever stings may inadvertently come our way from those who are suffering.
As I mentioned earlier, this by no means covers everything that we could or might do for those who are grieving during the holidays. But I hope a few of these insights might help us to better “weep with those who weep” as we also rejoice during this holiday season. May the love and joy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ fill your heart, whether at this time you rejoice or weep.
