Finding a Good Spouse
In the 24th chapter of Genesis, we encounter a story where an aged Abraham charges a servant (who remains unnamed) with the task of finding a suitable wife for his son Isaac. Abraham is concerned about the quality of woman for his son, and sends the servant back to his home country to find her. The manner in which the servant goes about looking for a companion for Isaac could be instructive for those looking for a spouse today.
Where Are You Looking?
The servant decided to choose a woman from among those that draw water from a well. This may seem like an arbitrary spot from a modern perspective, but in the ancient world (and indeed still in many places today) the well was the only source of water for a family. Drawing water from a well for a family’s uses is essential to the survival of that family, since water itself is a necessity. So the women who draw water from a well already show certain characteristics—namely that they care about and work to support their families. It also shows that they are willing to work hard, because it takes much effort to draw water from a well. A woman who draws water at a well shows qualities of responsibility, industry, and family-centeredness.
You could imagine that there might be other places that eligible women might congregate, where the servant might have gone to look. But choosing the place he did automatically separated the lazy and less family-oriented women from his search. They would not have even shown up. Only women of particular qualities would show up to such a place. It’s not that every woman who went to the well was a good choice for a spouse, but that the good choice for a spouse would likely be a woman who went to the well.
If you’re looking for a spouse, a good question might be: Where are you looking? Consider qualities that are important for a spouse to have, and think of places where people like that would go. If you want someone who is spiritually-minded for example, would you have more luck finding someone like that in a bar or a church?
Be Willing to Wait for the Exceptional
The servant prays to God, saying that he’ll know the right woman if she not only offers water to him, but also offers to water his camels. I used to think the servant was coming up with some arbitrary requirement to discover the right woman, but now I think there is more to this.
A woman who would offer water to someone is kind and decent, but it is not much to ask since she was drawing up more than enough water for herself anyway. The fact that it’s for a stranger means that she would be somewhat brave. And a woman who offers to water that traveler’s camels is someone who is willing to put effort and work into helping others, a lot of work. It is no small thing to water a camel. A thirsty camel can drink as much as thirty gallons of water (or perhaps more) at once. And Abraham’s servant had ten camels. Whatever woman who offered to draw up enough water for ten camels belonging to a stranger meant she was compassionate and willing to work and sacrifice on the behalf of people outside of her immediate concern. It is in that “test” that the servant weeded out the exceptional woman from the good women.
Abraham’s servant was also willing to wait until that exceptional woman came by, and would not settle for less. If you’re looking for a spouse, you need to be willing to wait for the exceptional. I’m not saying that you should have unrealistic expectations, or that you need to wait for perfection (because if you do, you’ll be waiting forever). What I am saying is to not settle when it comes to the things that really matter. Do not compromise on character. If you cannot find a spouse of high character, then it may be best to continue on single for a time.
I remember myself getting to that point (probably a lot later in life than I should have). I realized that I would be better off single for my entire life, than to end up married to someone who would make me miserable. Be willing to wait for the exceptional.
Most Importantly: Partner with God in Your Search
The servant had in his mind the kind of woman he was looking for. He considered where to look, and what character traits she needed to exhibit. He was also determined to wait until she showed up. The most important part in his search, though, was that he prayed to God about it and sought God’s blessings in his search.
In like manner, I would encourage you to pray to God concerning your search. He knows so much more about everyone out there. He will help you, and he will guide you, if you let him.
